The Saga of Joseph Malchus — Chapter 3: The Hook

CHAPTER 3: The Hook

(Note: To catch up on chapter 2 go here: Chapter 2: The Set-Up)

This was my latest reply to our friend Mr. Fred Aragon. Of course a transaction of this nature and size demands a face-to-face meeting in Madrid:

Dear Fred:

Since we received your timely and important letter much has transpired. You have created optimism and excitement within our family not seen since my mom won a free lifetime subscription for jam-of-the-month. I believe all we have left is to nail down some of the details of the transaction, but more on that later.

The biggest bit of news is that I was able to get in contact with Auntie Bobo to present a copy of your letter to her. I hadn’t spoken to her in perhaps 20 years. She proceeded to explain how she sold the ostrich farm in 2005 and moved away from Honduras and is now in Stuttgart Germany. It was no picnic getting in touch with her but thankfully I found an old AOL online email address that finally worked. It took her several days to see my message and we were finally able to reconnect. It turns out even at her age, Bobo works as a model for Geriatric Fashion Monthly magazine, and she thinks she will make the cover in next month’s issue. We will soon find out.

Now to the details of the dissolution transaction of Uncle Joseph’s estate. You mentioned his estate was $2.6 billion? Wow, that’s incredible but I have to ask… In whose hands did the remaining part of his estate end up? Bobo said she received none of it and I need to know if any of it still remains (in which case our $13.5 million seems a tad on the paltry side don’t you agree?) or if his business partner Mr. Marco Origuez bilked Uncle Joseph of the remainder? If so, I will need to secure your legal services to a much greater extent as we take this to the next level. Can you send me a copy of the last will and testament?

Several other questions:
1- When does the statute of limitations expire on this transaction?
2- You mentioned “equal splitting” of the proceeds. Do you mean 50/50 split? We need to discuss this further.
3- Would it be helpful to meet in person in your Madrid office? For this amount of money it might be beneficial to discuss the details firsthand. Bobo agrees.

Mr. Aragon, please call me in all haste at +1 (435) 387-2712 to discuss the next step in the process.

Your friend,

Remember this document Fred sent me in his latest letter? The website for “Golden Funds & Securities” actually exists!

One would think a strong financial institution such as Golden Funds & Securities would be a bank or investment firm. Apparently not. Fred doesn’t concern himself with such legitimate trifles. In his view if one is going to hold $13.5 million you should actually hold it in hard currency. Stone cold cash. In $10,000 packets of hundred dollar bills. This explains everything we wondered in Chapter 2 and why it’s not earning interest.

Because Golden Funds & Securities is a safe deposit box facility!

By now you know me. I’m curious how big a box one would need to hold $13,500,000 so I googled it. It turns out one million in cash requires a volume of 689 cubic inches. So if Mr. Willden’s math class served me well, 13.5 million in cash would need 9,301.5 cubic inches or about 5.2 cubic feet and would weigh over 250 pounds. About the size of a large moving box:

Come on Fred… You kept $13.5 million in cash in a safe deposit box for 13 years? Nevermind your “storage facility” is actually a florist shop, but this is where you lost me. Even I could come up with a better scam plan than this.

Also nevermind your biggest safe deposit box is only 12x12x18 inches or 2,569 cubic inches. You could only hold a paltry $3 million in that.

You must use like 5 of the largest size. Right Fred?

Any way you look at this, I’m coming to Madrid in person, Fred. You and I are going to talk about this over sangria and tapas. Maybe some goat cheese. Then we’re going to your combination safe deposit box and florist shop.

And I’m bringing Bobo.

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